The Golden Tour

This is the true story of how I gave birth to aliens. It is also the story of why/how I became a pro-lifer. Or what I prefer to call-a pro-life-on earth-er. Of course, not everyone can believe it. Only those who have faith will understand, only those who know that God made the world in 7 days 10,000 years ago.

This is a story I tell no one for fear of what they might think. I can’t even tell it now in the first person. So, instead let me just say it happened. To a woman. Once upon a time. In another place. In another realm.

To a woman who was the daughter of a famous scientist. An evolutionary biologist, the man who discovered the faith gene. Those who have it, he proved, believe. Crazy things. Those who don’t —never believe. He demonstrated how those who had the gene were fools. Idiots. Nothing less. And they could never be saved. But the terrible thing was the girl, the woman, his very daughter, had the gene. The curse. Alas.

And so the woman believed. In gods. In angels. In fairy tales and ghosts. In happily ever afters and princes, too.

But sadly, and this was the saddest thing: the woman never met her prince. Her soul mate. Her husband to be. And so she became lonesome. So lonesome, in fact, she sought the company of the Golden Nugget. (I know. This is really embarrassing, but she believed in abstinence, and this was the next best thing.)

The Golden Nugget, for those who don’t know, is a little golden rocket ship that a woman can insert inside herself. Not a little inside, but all the way inside, as the directions say, and that little nugget can find places in any woman no man has ever gone before. It goes on tour. Or what is advertised as The Golden Tour.

Did you know there's an entire universe in there, the instructions ask, complete with galaxies and sunsets and time warps? It is true. Stars are born in there. And stars die. And black holes and dark matters. For as is above, so it is below. As it is outside, so it is within.

After a while the woman grew afraid she was being taken over by a Golden Nugget. What if the Golden Nugget is some kind of alien? she worried. What if one of those space ships that landed ages ago in Roswell, New Mexico brought aliens who have found a secret way to impregnate women? They package themselves in plastic wrap and wait on the shelves in sex shops across America, and unwitting women pop them inside, thinking they're just another dildo. She thinks a lot of men wouldn’t mind being mistaken for just another dildo, but only the aliens would figure out how to do it.

But why worry now? she asked herself. Now when she could live her fairy tale dreams at last, walking off happily into the horizon, sighing with every step, and at every bird and butterfly flitting past, and at every drop of unpredicted rain. Now when she could frolic in the autumn mist?

And so it was that one day, when the alien ships descended, opening their golden doors for her to glide in forever and always, she didn’t protest. Oh no, she only said yes. Yes, yes, yes! as she ascended in a halo of light to the heavens above where she delivered not one, not two, but myriads of alien children. They were perfect aliens, each and every one . . . She could not imagine a life without such perfection. (For a woman such as she, a woman who believes, there is no such thing as enough!)

This, I tell you is true. An actual fact. And sometimes you can even hear her children. Their voices like a prayer, a mantra, a wish for planet earth. Saying things like:
Give peace a chance. Give the caribou a chance (the ones that Exxon said would not be affected by drilling for oil--and then admitted they had lied). And the polar bears, the fish and the trees and the snowy owls, too.