1. Climate Denial 101: Why it’s the fault of the left-wing media that many believe this is happening now.
2. Survival of the Dumbest 101: The evidence against Darwinism.
3. Alchemy 101: You too can make your own gold coins!
4. God & Your Country 101: Why free speech (and even comic strips and certainly blasphemous artwork) concerning religious icons, divinities, and practices will soon be banned. Amen.
So this is a story I heard, more or less, with a few minor changes:
I’m just a middle-aged guy, a little on the heavy side, a nose like a beak, yeah okay, not your type, but I’m a nice guy, all the same, and I’m looking to meet someone. So I go to bars, and you know, say nice things to ladies. Nothing. No one’s into me. It’s bad. It’s like everyone’s saying you’re not my kind. So I put an ad in the Personals: 50 + man looking for sweet young thing. I don’t say exactly that, but I get my message across. But no one calls, so I start checking around on my own. And I see this chick . . . Well, there was more than one. But I see them in this window, and at first it’s just a glimpse. I know. I just know. This my chance So I go on in, and I try to get the girls to talk to me. The first is a total failure. You know how that goes. And the second? She doesn’t seem to mind. Too much. Not like she’s walking away, but she doesn’t answer. So I get my nerve up. I give her a pick on the cheek. Just a peck. No big deal, right? You’d have thought I killed her. What happened then . . . Yeah, okay, so someone made a little video of it. I guess he thought it was funny--watching the fat guy after the chicks. http://www.eecs.berkeley.edu/~jima/free.mov
I was cleaning up the kitchen, and I came across these brown paper bags I used ages ago for packing lunches. Every time I see brown paper bags, I think of first grade. The first day of first grade when Lisa D, who was sitting across from me, started eating her brown paper bag.
What are you doing? I asked.
I'm eating my bag, she said.
Why are you eating your bag?
Do you dare me to eat the whole bag?
Lisa ate her bag, piece by piece, wadding it up and showing me as she chewed until Mrs. Wallace took her half-eaten bag away.
On the way home Mom asked me how my day went.
Lisa ate her bag, I said.
She ate her bag?
Yep. Her brown paper bag.
Oh well. It's a good thing it was a BROWN paper bag. She probably got some good fiber in that bag. A brown bag, you know, is so much better than a white bag. More natural. Because they bleach the paper to make it white, just like they bleach flour to make it white. That's why I don't let you eat Wonder Bread.
Nin Andrews is the author of 5 full collections of poetry and 6 chapbooks. She is also the editor of a book of translations of the Belgian poet, Henri Michaux. She keeps a literary blog and a blog of environmental comics.