Muffin Tops

I don’t know about you, but I like to shop alone. I don’t want anyone waiting on me, trying to help me out. But the other day I was picking up some underwear in the men’s department, and this woman called Sandy decided I needed help.

Why, she asked me, was I looking at boxer shorts? Normally I would have walked away, but I didn’t feel like being rude. After all, Sandy looked really tired, as if she’d had a hard day selling men’s underwear. And she told me she’d been up since 9 AM for the sales. Yep. The sales. Didn’t I know there was a two for one specials on all men’s lingerie? No, and I didn’t know that men called it lingerie. Yes, she said, before explaining to me all the latest styles of men’s underpants.

Those are called swingers, she told me, pointing to the plaid boxer pants I’d picked up. Swinging is not good for most young men. Especially the athletic types, know what I mean? As far as she was concerned, the only thing boxer shorts are good for is keeping the pubic hairs out of the zipper. I wouldn't let my boys go near them, she said.


Young men today, she added, are as fashion conscious as the ladies. It's only natural. But what it means is that there are all kinds of choices now. She asked me, does “the man in my life” wear low-rise jeans? Or those baggy pants with no belt, so they slide down? Because men and boys now get to select from a variety of styles in low-rise underpants. She showed me a new synthetic brand designed for men who need a little moisture- release. These keep our boys dry, she said, trying to explain away their price.

Before I left without deciding on which type of underwear would be just right for “the man in my life,” she asked if I knew what it’s called when I see a buttocks rising over the backs of pants?

You know what I’m talking about? she added, grinning.

Muffin tops. Yes, Ma’am. That’s what they’re called.

I’m so glad she told me that.

I now do all my shopping on line.