Monday, July 16, 2007

Green Slime and Bird Shit

I had a lousy day today. To top it off I went into Bath and Body Works, and this lady came up to me and started trying to sell me some kind of green slime. She said it would get rid of those fly away hairs. Now anyone who has ever seen me knows I don’t have fly-away hairs. My hairs don’t go anywhere, and they sure as hell don’t fly. My hairs stick close to the scalp. I’d pay good money for hair that flew some place. I don’t know how many hours of my life I’ve spent waving a hair dryer at my head, hoping something magic would happen. But before I could stop this woman, she was wiping this green stuff on my head. She handed me this little mirror. Isn’t that nice? It has such a shine to it. It looked like an oil slick. I tend to be polite, so I smiled, but I left before she could wipe anything else on me. Women like that make me nervous.

It reminded me of the first birthday party I ever went to. I was young, not even in school yet. I remember walking from the driveway to the backyard to join all these kids who were zooming around out there. All of a sudden this bird took a shit on my head. I remember thinking uho. What do I do next? I was this kid who always wore weird glasses and had a patch on one eye, and my dad used to say, however weird you think you look, just act normal. So I started racing around with the other kids. Pretty soon one of the mothers started worrying. Does that girl have bird shit all over her head? She took me inside and stuck my head under the kitchen faucet.

That bird shit was like super glue. It would not come out. I missed the entire party. No cake, no ice cream, just a head full of bird shit. I never would go back to that kid’s house. I knew better. That kid had birds in her yard that would shit all over your head.

5 comments:

Sara said...

I used to know someone who worked at Bath and Body works...they have a quota of how many people they're supposed to smear stuff on. It's kinda creepy.

aka Leonardo Likes Gulls said...

The first birthday party I went to, I sat on a bee while going down a Cat in the Hat slide.

Today I was a stung by a wasp.

It sounds as if all the insects of the world (wasps & Bath & Body Works employees) have lost their minds. Maybe that green stuff was really wasp repellent or a protective layer in case you run into another bird with good aim.

Your bad day made me laugh; I feel a little bad about that. You can go laugh at my bad day if you want (it's on my First Draft blog). My wasp sting involves a Slip & Slide.

best,
Kelli

Karen at Pen in Hand said...

I volunteer at a place that fixes sick and injured hawks and owls and such. I'd never been shit on by a bird in my life till I worked there, and even then - after a year and a half - I'd still never been shit on by a bird.
A couple of months ago, I went to my actual job one morning and, while talking to a colleague, absently ran my fingers through my hair. Giant glop of bird shit. Must have happened when I was getting into or out of the car, though I never noticed.
I had to go into the kitchen, where test recipes, and wash my hair in the sink. And you're right - it's really hard to get it out. But I'd still prefer it better than the gree glop the Bath and Body Works person smeared on your head.

Erin O'Brien said...

It is not possible to say all that need to be said.

Suffice it to say that I have ALL of the fly away hairs. It wasn't easy, but I wrangled the little mothers into a cage. You should have heard the racket they made.

What was the slime stuff called? Does that bodybath broad make house calls?

I've got a Situation on my hands over here. A Situation, I tell you!

Valerie Loveland said...

I wish I heard your father's advice about acting normal when I was growing up.